Why, when the God of the Universe loves me beyond measure is a smile not permanently affixed to my face? Why do I want to crawl in a hole and forget the world around me? Escape from the realities that seem to threaten, but which I know are gifts from His hand – whether they seem that way or not?
I don’t understand. And I have to renew my mind. It says that in The Book. I have to take thoughts captive. That’s in The Book too. I have to embrace the truth that I don’t feel or sometimes even see. I have to stand when it hurts to stand. And I have to contemplate when it hurts to contemplate.I think that’s it. I am made for contemplation. It’s in God’s make-up of who I am. To Ponder and to Wonder. To look for my God in the midst of the chaos of life. And I don’t like to see or consider pain. I turn my face away. I turn my thoughts away. And in doing so, a part of me slowly ebbs away.
My heart and my mind - while not intellectual, nor intelligent – are made for deep waters. Some have called them long thoughts. I look at my calendar and I see too many short thoughts. Too many tasks and, while I also function in the task arena and sometimes lose people in it, I long for the long thoughts. I long for the deep conversations. I want to speak the reality of it all into practicality. Ann does it. Aimee does it. And yet, I wonder if I can even think of it. Millions of writers, bloggers, preachers, theologians, singers, song writers – what have I to add? The Books says we are all members of the body and no part is more important than the others. Therefore, it is needful for me to add my voice to the choir. I’m sure I can’t do it well – and I don’t want to get caught just repeating….but The Book also says there is nothing new under the sun. So, that’s really all anyone is ever doing. Repeating or reiterating what’s already been said or re-discovering what has already been discovered.
It’s because we forget that we have to write and speak and say and tell and show. All I offer is poor images. Childlike drawings that barely reflect the real. Yet, do we stop? Because someone else is better, do I stop? Yes, actually, in truth, I do. This is where the enemy wins. Because he was able to stop just one singer – so the song is not quite right – or able to stop one color from being added to the tapestry to keep it from being all it could and should be. Yet, here I am, unable to shake the tension. Unable to see and understand and know. Lacking courage and wisdom and strength. Again.
I am not despairing; I’m just not quite living. But it will come. I am confident of that. It will come.And my childlike drawing will make someone smile into the eyes of the One who loves her most of all.
Because despite the deep waters and the long thoughts…the beginning and end are simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple. The beginning is the beyond adjectives immense love of Sovereign Almighty God for each one. The end is trusting that One for everything. The middle is where the deep waters and long thoughts lie. And there is often mud in the water and confusion in the thoughts. But He will settle the thoughts and the waters.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul."
(written 4/25/11)
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