By Your Grace, Let Me Stay...

I wrote a long time ago - "Lord, help me stay in the war. Don't make it any easier, I've gotta be strong to stand - By Your grace, let me stay."  It was a song and a prayer.  God was faithful to answer.  Life was hard when I wrote the words, and sang the words, and cried the words - and it didn't get easier.  It wasn't a song to ask for reprieve from the hard.  It was a cry asking for grace not to quit when all strength was gone.  God taught me to embrace the pain of life and trust Him... to lay down my rights in exchange for His righteousness... to walk in darkness trusting Him to lead.  And He gave the grace to let me stay.

I wouldn't trade this for anything.  Sometimes, there is still a little voice that wishes for a different story, for different dreams come true.  That voice is rather weak these days as I learn to trust that His story is best.

Now, the trial is different - How to stay in the war when there is strength and light more easily accessible.  I can get caught up in some pretend world where I think I can "handle" life.  A disaster or life crisis brings us to a point of calling out to God and trusting Him that health and wholeness does not.  The poor and broken have the advantage of knowing their need.  We spend our brokenness trying to feel well while we learn deep truth and trust beyond what we ever thought possible. 

The next steps are sometimes evasive.  I have a bit of strength now to walk on my own, though there is a nagging reality that it could all fall apart.  I do not feel at the mercy of my circumstances just hoping God will bring me through. I need to evaluate the situations and make wise decisions.  We can be guilty of thinking that we can or have to handle it on our own.  It is still a bit elusive to me about how to walk in dependence on God from a place of health. God has given us brains and He desires that we walk wisdom.  Perhaps He has healed me to a point that I can be active and pro-active and do what I see Him doing. What about the things that just need done?  If I can see them, then is He doing them or is that just me seeing? How do I know the difference?

The cry is still the same - "By Your grace, let me stay." 

It's just a different battle.